It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
