the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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