Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
