smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize