in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
