you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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