Hey man sorry I got all grabby
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
