So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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