Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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