she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
