2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
