I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
