i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
