I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
