my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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