Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
