it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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