Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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