I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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