wrigley field is MILF paradise
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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