I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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