I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
