the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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