either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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