Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
