I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
