i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
