I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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