3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
