just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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