i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
