If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
