So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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