you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
