Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
