I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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