Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
