First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
