i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
