You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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