Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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