Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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