Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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