She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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