i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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