He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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