I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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