Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
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