How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I look better un-naked...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
