dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
