It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
