Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
