Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
