I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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