She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
