dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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