everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I want a musical about memes.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
