He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
