So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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