We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I think I sprained my soul last night
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
