My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
