i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
