the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
