I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
